“he misses times gone by…. he misses people that were once part of his life (and would always be) …. wishes he could turn back time…. its that time of year again !!!! same wish as always….”

 

“remember… treasure…. it’s over…..”

“There are no words of comfort, That can hope to ease the pain, Of losing homes and loved ones, The memories will remain…..     There are so many heroes, Whose stories must be told, They fought the raging fires of hell, And saved so many souls”

Goosebumps…. been following the latest Victoria Bushfires news on Australia news websites… omg from what i watched through the videos, it was really hell, the song just describes it. heart-wrenching. The song just touched something in me especially when it is exactly to the same tune of “We Are Lasallian” and Australia being my most favourite country. Towns were just lost like that, it was like nothing left as described and seen in the news it was really like a bomb which just went off… sincerely wish them all the best…. This was something which made me realize how important to treasure everything that you have now, never take anything for granted, who knows what would happen in the next second, minute, hour, day, month, no one really knows. The beauty of human nature only comes out during dire circumstances and when desperately needed, if this could be exercised everyday I am sure the world would really be a better place.

On another note, semester is over and 6 weeks of holz have begun. This past semester have been hard, really taxing with all the worrying, thinking and watching out for the projects and the other members of my groups, making sure everything goes smoothly is like what I do. It’s hard to place trust and confidence in everyone but still I know I must force myself to, I have to admit I make judgements of people and judgements are honestly something not helpful and can really spoil relationships but still I have to say that none of them can really make me feel a sense of comfort. But still friendships, relations must be maintained and strengthened, I feel almost 2 years of friendship is something must be treasured and not easy though I still have reservations about them.

But POLY to me is really a road of self-discovery, you determine your own destiny and destination, you grab the chances that you want to grab, you put in the effort that you want to put in, its all up to YOU….. If you really put your heart into everything in poly, you would find that all these experiences have meanings behind them. Again, I have to say I have learnt alot, my “view” of the world have further widened whether through psychology or tourism, social psychology and work group dynamics — if eveyone would know a little bit of how these work then really relationships would really improve and be way much better.

Toursim is still all about expanding my knowledge and brain, all very work related stuff, projects, tutorials, lectures that was how life was ever since october 2008. Psychology on the other hand was much relaxed and comfortable, made me see people more and made me realize many stuff about relationship, people’s minds and really how relationships operate whether in a social, work or family setting. Allowed me to open up more and share more about myself and experiences which I am sure very little people now knows and also yah realize how other peole view me now, my image now is really different form the past… Time you see is a very important and major culprit…. Still i wish to continue to learn more and have fun in tourism and explore more of myself and relationships and the human mind in psychology….. praying that results will meet my expectations…

Finally, ending this post I wanna say, Happy Birthday Matt !!!! Hahaz (if you will ever to read this)…. the 18th year one is really something significant and something for celebration. All I can say is time really flies, its been around 4-5 years since I came to know you. Still, I wish you all the best in whatever you do and be happy always… Cheers… yeah…!!!!

(one thing i learnt and realize is that it is the small gestures and actions that really matter in any relationship, seen, recognized and treasured by the other party and those of which really charaterize a true and real relationship and not those big and obvious ones…..)

 

…..

…. sucks shit…. the worst feeling u can have is that in an exam u noe the answer but think its wrong so forget about writing it down and checking later and found out it is what u thought was wrong and never wrote down…. STUPID ME…..  i think it just sucks…   y wasn’t my kiasu self and had to think so much….

 

test…..

 

What is your True Fear? Your Result: Losing Someone   You love affection and the people in your life more than anything.Your greatest fear is that one day someone you care about won’t be there anymore. You are a very friendly and inviting person, who draws in a lot of friendships with your kind, considerate, and loyal nature. However, deep down you are slightly insecure and unsure of yourself. You couldn’t deal with it if you didn’t have one of your loved ones in your life anymore. You don’t have too much to worry about though, because with a friend like you, no one will want to lose you either!
Being Alone
Disappointment
Looked down on
Where Your life is Going
Death
Commitment
What is your True Fear? Quiz Created on GoToQuiz

Honestly, to me this is really true. It made me realize something, all this time I was really really afraid of losing someone (this someone represents the people in my life)  and not all the stupid things that I was thinking of. Time passes very fast, people move in and out of out lives, those who are important to us and those who are not, seriously i dont like this time moving thing and things changing thing, why can’t we stop time in the happiest moments of our lives (realize i’ve been ranting about this the whole time). Though I may not see all of them again, I really wish that those people who are forever important would do well and be happy in whatever do (with utmost de chen ken xin).

Supposed to be doing projects now but slacked a little and came across this test on ronney’s blog…. n it just struck sth (k its not sth its alot of things) in me….. — once again i think its the effects of psychology lolz…..
want to go for sji’s campfire this thursday but donnoe whether should I (always have this feeling one- scared lonely)……

 

life’s still life…..

It is the end of another year 2008, ups and downs aplenty. Time passes real fast and changes in life happen in a blink of an eye and I still cannot seem to accept and understand well enough, don’t know whether I will??? I wish there was some weird thing which would allow us to turn/ stop time.  Work has been piling up, but guess I won’t complain as when holidays come I would complain I am too free again, but still tourism + psychology especially in year 2 is certainly not easy to handle…..  Holidays have just ended 2 days ago and I would say that again the wants that I wanted to do during this short period of time is yes…. not exactly done….. 

Psychology
Perhaps the best thing I have ever done in 2008 is to take up Psychology,  learnt alot about life and people through psychology, how the human mind works and behaves can sometimes be really amazing or extremely disgusting. It taught me how to view people better and from another angle and it provided me with an avenue to understand myself and talk about my personal thoughts which I hardly have the chance to talk about nowadays. Perhaps it is due to the present lack of “friends” which i really feel comfortable to talk with, don’t know why???. Relationships are indeed really a 2 way thing,  its really very hard to understand. Most importantly it taught me why some people should really be treasured and many values that I can live my life with.

FOP (Freshmen Orientation Programme)
Still remember vividly the experience with FOP 2007, got to know DTRM 01 and I can say it was the turning point in my life this year. From shifting my priority from achieveing outstanding academic results to one that achieve a balance between acieveing results and to treasure relationships especially friends from the past. Though I hardly see DTRM 01 these days, the movie outings and birthday celebrations that I had we them in the earlier part of the semester is still vividly etched in my mind. It was these people who made me realized what should be my priorities.

DTRM 01 (My Class)
Though I can say I feel somesort of connection with this class AS A WHOLE but sometimes it’s really doubtful, honestly sometimes it really feels that it is just a group of pp coming together for tutorials/ lectures/ projects, maybe its due to the cliques formed or perhaps its all your conservative mindsets, i really don’t know but I feel something’s missing from this class. Are we really that united and good?????

Academics
I’m really grateful that my hardwork pays off,  honour’s roll for 3 semesters, to me i also really think it is some sort of a feat achieved, I’ve never done so well for my studies before in SJI even though I can say I put in equally huge amount of effort. Naturally with such a feat comes recognition and glory which I chose to remain quiet and not really emphasize about but lecturers really see it differently. I will still strive hard for myself and my course which I really love but what’s all this really worth I wonder,  sometimes I had questioned myself is it more worth it if i could exchange all these for the reliving of more memories of the past, strengthen the bonds with the people I feel who are really important to me and stronger friendships with people now.

Friends
Friends come and go, you make new ones, you strengthen the bonds with some, but ever since I left SJI and NYJC friendship which I feel can really last and comfortable about is seriously hard to come by….. Friendship is really much a 2-way thing….  I really wonder whether the friends I have now can really last, we never ever went out just to have fun before free of work, projects and the class… tried to initiate but rejected….lolz…. there’s also this thought lingering whether some people I become friends with know me just because of my results (just have that feeling with some people, I would describe as “xu wei”…… ”you hu si luan xiang le”…..

on the brighter side meet-ups and occassional talks with friends from the past really made me feel very comfortable, I seriously hope we can strengthen our ties in 2009, though some are entering ns, i really treasure you pp alot…….besides there is also the constant fear of losing touch and contact which i’m extremely scared…. i can say i have a number of “friends”  but those that can really fit the definition of being a friend to me is really like just countable.  Its okay, friendship should be of quality rather than quantity, even if I have just a few friends but I have strong bonds with them I really won’t mind at all. 

Motivation
What really kept me going on is really 3 sentences from the past, what Ms Wong said to me on the O’Level results day, Yvonne Lim’s words of encouragement at Mediacorp December Dazzle 2004 and from Arnold Scwarz. the california governor on one episode of The Apprentice 6, their words to me I feel are of great power. Not forgetting the friends that I have, its really surprising how motivated and driven I was after that day of AP 2008 just thinking about it….

Just a summary of my thoughts of 2008 (lazy to type everything out lolz)…  doesn’t look too positive and good right???? besides the results part…. but what to do…..??????? life is just like that and life’s still life we have to live through everything thrown at us anyway……

 

psycho. influence….

…yes…i finally took up the effort to put in another entry of my ever vast thoughts…. though i keep saying i want to reflect on the past sem. i’ve honestly have no idea how to express it, a new sem has just begun and i hope to achieve my utmost best for myself…..

but what made me penn down my thoughts today was just one issue that was brought up during psychology class today, basically it sums up what i’ve been thinking about for the whole of the last sem. (from orientation 2008 till now), though i refuse to believe in it but i cannot help to admit that it is very true….. “Friends do they really last??????” Why do people in a previous stage of our lives generally fade out of our lives as time passes by ????? (even those that you may be spending loads of time with in the past) Do you ever made the effort into trying to continue the friendships that have been generated in the past???? Is it really that easy to have a close friend that you can share all your thoughts with????

regarding this issue, honestly i feel DTRM 01/2008 struck me the most, before being the facil. of their class and meeting them i was just totally engaged in the poly way of life, living in this society simulated environment and trying to achieve the best for myself and just myself, after the 3.9s i’ve been getting for the past 2 sems (isn’t this wad it is like in society, cutthroat, scary and only the best would survive, keep up or lose out, i do not believe that those managers and executives that climbed up to the top can be totally “CLEAN” in a sense). Though i was constantly questioning myself why do i keep feeling that sth is really different in my life, (i knew the answer all along , i just refuse to acknowledge the fact i miss being in the company of my friends in the past, i do not even take up the initiative to make appts with them and ask them out to catch up on each others lives, i just shrugged them off with excuses such as aiyah they very busy one dun disturb them) 

I guess if not for DTRM 01, i wld continue with this kind of mindset for the rest of my life and i would seriously regret it for the rest of my lives if we really lose contact. basically, when i first met them, fresh out of secondary schl and into poly they would still be in their sec schl “clique” and do what they normally do what they do when in sec schl, the transitional period, seeing them just talking to their sec schl friends, personally, through the phone or even meeting after the orientation, i just cannnot help but bring up and think about the people in my own secondary school life all over again, though some are totally nonsense, some people i really missed. i was like thinking how are they doing and why haven see them for such a long time. (i honestly was thinking of this everytime each day ended)

ever since then, i realized and told myself that “friendships and relationships- the ships are priceless and cannot be exchanged for anything” and “some people to me are very impt and are too precious to loose to possibly anything.” and told myself no matter what try to plan my activities in a way that friendship takes the top priority (esp. the past friendships), take initiative….. according to my last quote impt…. —- i sound damn bad…… , that explains my actions on AP day, trying to ask a bunch of people out, and even though we cannot keep in contact through traditional ways like talking, other ways can also be used…..

i am a person who believes that if the foundation and basis of a friendship or relationship are formed well then the bond and strength would still be there even if you do not meet up for a long time, u would still feel the bond even with just a word of “HI”, my primary schl frenz are the most basic example, i always like to tell others that the bonds built back then were that strong that even if we meet on the streets now i would feel asive we were back then having fun together……

if anyone were to ask me how’s life now, i would normaly reply with i really like what im studying, like my course-till i can do anything for the good of my course , like my lecturers and like the people in my course, but i would be careful with what sort of details i tell whom. Though, i may put on a cheerful face when i go to school everyday and interact with my friends and lecturers with a happy mood which is so consistent (externally only) that i feel sometimes this is not myself. Anger now to me is like very rarely, even i was surprised with my change from the past, which i think is a good thing. very few people in my life now have seen me going through a variety and a range of emotions especially the negative ones as compared to the past, this sometimes leads me to question the strength of all my friendships now, and being at a stage where realtionships also come into play, this two things must be managed effectively in order not to be so called “disappointed” in one area.

haiyahz see lah, psychology class today made me so emo. but i feel its okay, its really nice to think about the past, it is relieving, relaxing… lolz……

“Its the times when i just start to reflect again, its amazing how that we don’t feel anything (with the exception of fun, hapiness and joy that they are by your side) when your friends are just by yourside, but once everyone just moves on with their lives and another new batch of friends comes in you would feel everything’s wrong and something’s missing (sth worse which you would nv want to feel). I still cannot accept this fact that everything is changing although I have been taught to realise that life’s just like that, i just cannot accept this fact.” – i wrote this in a post in the past but i just did not publish it……

 

its over finally…. 4 now….

okay my sem’s over not long ago…. but my heart is like super (how to say) unstable now, 100% afraid i want to maintain my GPA but on the other hand thinking back on how i did freaking hell worries me to a maximum bit hope it does not drop much… 3.7 is the minimum i would accept for myself if not i would go into serious depression honestly….

i wanna blog about this past sem, cos i feel i learnt alot even before the sem began, i feel my ‘ren shen guan nian” changed abit or should i say made me realized alot of things as i progressed though this sem. but haizzzz… im still vry scared the results…. BUSINESS LAW!!!!! ***** I WORKED FREAKING HARD FOR IT, IT”S ON EXTREMELY SHAKY GROUNDS NOW….. IHRO also… (but honestly i felt this sem the modules to me is like shiet, i hate almost all of them, and that particular module called Introduction to Hotel and Resort Operations made me hate working in a hotel even more especially F&B omg so not my thing, btw i already hated it in the first palce)….. i think i must wait for the results to come out first before i would have the “xin” to peacefully write something… if not these days i am just like finding things to do to just get my mind of the results… watching “mo fan bang bang tang”, honestly i have to admit some of the episodes are extremely hilarous, good laughter medicine, bu after laughing liek siaoz and forgetting everything, u would suddenly find you are back to reality again… scary…. i pray for myself manzzz…. i’m 100% afraid, scared…… omg…….

 

…….

expectations, pressure, hopes………

 

sighzz….

been super uber busy…. still looking for a time to penn down a “xiang yang” post instead of just narrating out certain events….

Psychology lessons…. projects….. people….. emotions and feelings juz run through…. i feel now everything is so fragile from work to friendships one wrong move/trigger and the whole chain of each thing would break….. have to take every step with caution… it’s very uncomfortable…. n every wrong step that i would not be able to put that down and move on, but i would juz harp on it, stupid me…. this make me so scared/ nervous/ worried about my upcoming steps n i mean really…..

yes… im glad pp say im cheerful to everyone in schl and they see me as someone who can like never get stressed and manages time so well until cannot say… but all wrong manzz… especially the stress part, omg….. i just don’t show it manz plz, i have feelings and emotions one k…. and every word that everyone says whether good or bad i am able to hear and feel (dunnoe why maybe its just the look i portray to others)….. remembering the quote i came up with in 2006 “smile at the end of the day”, glad i stick to that…..

…………………………….

 

AP 2008….

“never have that type of feeling in a long time, makes me realize how impt u pp are to me…” ( 5/7/08 )

The feeling of happiness, fun (from inside) and most importantly the feeling that you belong and one of familiarity which i sorely missed. Nobody can ever provide me with those type of feelings besides the people i spent with on 5/7/08. AP for me these days have been a day i would always look forward to, the time to relect and remember and catch up on the freinds that really matter to me most, yep i miss you people, the time i spent with everysingle one of them yesterday was priceless, i just hope the day can repeat itself (wth it won’t, stop dreaming kuan huai).  

Before i start on the emo and feelings that i want to jot down, i want to record something about the parade itself, this year’s parade itself has lesser significance to me as compared to last year, i still remember in 2007 the “happiness and gladness for scorpio that i felt when ronney brought the whole contingent marching down that portion of track during the marchpast, its like some soothing feeling going down your back”. Seems like the lesser you go back to pay a visit the more unknown the people are to you. Yes, i still do care about SJI-SJAB but the people there now is different form our time which is like only 1-2 yrs back…..

But anyway, this year’s parade is probably the last that i would feel for someone actually marching out there… last year it was scorpio (glad they made their mark), this year was really glad for dylon… yep… finally, i got to see him in another light… hahaz… can be so serious marching on the field, but really happy for you….. actually i forgotten how i started to know him better, but i remember the time you enetered SJI-SJAB lolz…. u were so blur cos sec 2…. Just felt that you were one of the few people that i could really talk to, you just have that “qing he li” that can brighten up anyone u talking to, but seeing how you grew through the years is like WAH!!!! lolz…. i can see the changes in you manz…. from a very qing qing song song guy… to someone who can be serious and qing qing song song also….. n from being shorter than me to now so tall liao, taller than me also leh… its probably because of this that i feel you are one of my veryvery good, close and important friend (at least i know hu is impt to me right) hahaz… u surely do well one no need to worry…. i hope we try to keep in contact and talktalktalk for as long as possible cos i have this one very great fear from last year’s AP 2007: that everyone would be too busy with our own lives that we lose touch of each other and forget the happy and fun time we had in the past….

Another thing the 2 times the played the school scong during the parade, very very wad leh…. the tsunami and flood of images and memories just flood through my mind and just feel that “HERM!” feeling down by back again… “Nostalgia and Memories”

Moving on, quite disappointed with my meeting with my taurus members the time before AP, i asked Joel to meet earlier and he brought along YS and PS (already not wad i wanted), i successfully pulled marcus……. cos wad i really wanted is 3 of us just sit down and talk and catch up (like wad we alwaes do in the past, i realize looking back at the past no matter wad we did in sji-sjab, it was alwaes the 3 of us left, whether izit comp. team or squad work…) not you pulling the others go play LAN but wth (as i said earlier to me there are some people who are more important to me than others, i may sound bad, but i realize being in poly the world is like that, those are the people who really care for you and those are the people that are too PRECIOUS to lose to possibly ANYTHING)… i won get angry just because of this hahaz at least marcus pei me sit in BK hahaz we talked alot, very fulfilling and fun, never had these type of talk for very long….

Took lotsa photos in school hahaz….

Saw some of scorpio, really happy to see them, another group of people that can really make me happy, so long never see them liao, honestly miss them also…. Went dinner with them after parade, da bao from KFC and piciniced outside 77th street under the escalator, damn nice feeling talking and catching up…. (hahaz and ronn good choice of going to poly at least you are doing wad you like to do, surely won’t regret one, at least i manage to influence 1 person to go poly hahaz)… after that went pooling and went walking around the food fair with kevin before going home…. the katong laksa is damn nice, would be nicer if i had eaten earlier….

The other matter i feel like touching on is the department that i grew up in in SJI-SJAB and one that brings me most pride and joy, CPBS, honestly i feel its really changed, i still can remember the times when our basic aim was to like make everyone who will walk through this path like a family and damn close to each other while striving hard to achieve our goals for the unit and for ourselves… yep i can successfully say it lasted for three generations only, lolz but wadeva at least i still got zhiyang (finally u came), matt (too bad you never come today if not can take photo) and kevin… hahaz…. i hope this feeling will never change… prayz…

Basically, this day is one that i would remember for very long, i went to look through all my photos the essays that me , zhiyang, matt and kev wrote, the documents that are still on my comp. everything that just basically related to the path i once treadded on, the feelings that went thorugh me on this day really makes me realize of everyone that i meet ever since i left SJI, you people are still the most important to me and really i am really SCARED and AFRAID that one day we would be too busy with our own lives that we would lose touch with each other….. there are many other things i want to say to alot of people after this day but i feel that this is enough…. probably i’ll just say it out in the future when we meet, catch up and have fun again…..

Cheers manz….. (Tears of Joy and Happiness)

(photos of today would stay as my baobei’s <me baobei is my laptop> wallpaper for a very long time to come…)